Monday, May 23, 2005
Suicide or Star Wars: III?

Suicide or Episode III: The Choice Made Easy

I went to see the latest installment of Star Wars last night. When the lights dimmed and the reverse-scrolling storyline popped up with the glorious themesong, I smiled to myself and I must admit that I was quite excited to see the most recent release.

Suddenly, after 10 minutes of wretched acting and dialogue comparable to an Al Gore speech with explosions, I found myself alternating between dozing off and counting the bars on the isle divider. Thoughts of gummy bears danced before my glazed-over pupils that were locked on a corner of the giant screen where I swore a little fly was residing on Anakin Skywalker's forehead. (This was before Natalie Portman launches into her doe-eyed anti-war mantra and the whole underlying liberal theme that presents itself about halfway through the film. )

As I'm watching this insult to any Star Wars fan, I began to devise a plan to choke myself with my shoe, or at least get a refund from the box office. The morbid realization set in about an hour through the 2.5 hour film that death was the only escape from this torturous piece of Sega Genesis-esque film. Thoughts of my family and loved ones flashed before my eyes (which had trouble adjusting due to the constant shaking and movement of the camera, coupled with the buzzy flash of light about Pokemon seizures...) I started laughing to myself because it's true: Death is always a viable option to sitting through a long, uber-boring film where Samuel L. Jackson is simply Samuel L. Jackson running around in pajamas.

The one high point of the acting was Chewbacca's part: incoherent grunts and screeches while jumping around in an excitable fashion. The actor that played Chewy should get a frickin' award compared to other performances in this film. I also must say that Anakin Skywalker's performance upped tremendously once they suited him up in the last 5 minutes and all he had to do was breathe through a mask.

Bottom Line: Don't see this movie. If you do, bring an extra shoe.

Posted at 10:31 am by DeoDuce

John K
May 23, 2005   12:16 PM PDT
So Deo; Tell us how you really feel about the movie.
May 23, 2005   01:55 PM PDT
I have an extra shoe for you.
May 23, 2005   03:21 PM PDT

But the shoe only has to be big enough to choke yourself with during the movie.
May 23, 2005   04:45 PM PDT
I think that I may wait for Blockbuster...
May 23, 2005   08:26 PM PDT
Reagan08, what is your problem. People like you just... bug me. You seem to look for stuff to be mad about. Well, i respect you opinion. Just for my own processes, are you boycotting Disney World? Are you boycotting the rock and roll hall of fame for inducting the Pretenders? Do you not drink diet drinks because of the Aspartame? Will you not read Dr. Seuss books to your children because of their Anti-Consumerism message? Do you yell expletives when a Bruce Springsteen song comes on the radio? If you are looking to be unhappy, you will be.
May 23, 2005   09:05 PM PDT
Actually, I enjoyed watching the newest Star Wars movie, but I wasn't rooting for Obi Wan and his ilk.

Instead, Palpatine(Sith lord) got my cheers for being the best actor in the film and for being the antithesis of every liberal thing that Lucas' tried to convey in this film.

May 24, 2005   10:06 AM PDT

Agreed. That's one reason I hated it so much. The "good guys" were a bunch of drooling retards and the "bad guys" kicked some serious butt.

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